April 2, 2009

I haven't posted in a while because I have a few issues that I was (am) not sure anyone would want to read about in a running blog. I think I'm at the point where I am ready to put it out there because I am becoming too sad to hold it all in anymore. I find myself getting very, very angry when the sadness kicks in. I decided that if something this serious was happening to any of you out there, I would want to know. Of course I would want to know. I have posted about some of it, not realizing it was all connected so you may know more than I realize. (Or even remember talking about)

I have friends here (in real life!) who know some of what's going on. I haven't poured it all out since I have not been diagnosed yet. I try to explain why I've been missing my beloved yoga class but the sadness and fear of the words keep me from saying too much. Mary Anne, a friend from yoga, asked me yesterday, point blank why I'm not posting. I told her there is a possibility that I could have MS. After the class I really thought about Mary Anne.

Mary Anne, thank you for caring. I know I haven't seen you too much these days, but I'll miss you when you go back to Michigan.

Last June, during the Endurance Project training runs, I had some serious bladder control issues. Sometimes I would lose total control, most times I could stop it when I realized it was happening and there are times when I feel like I need to go SO BAD and nothing happens at all. That has not gone away. Gyno says it's a keigal issue even though I had complete control during the test. So no changes there.

Same time, I noticed my eyesight had changed overnight. I went from perfect vision to everything being blurry. It kinda came and went over the next few months. I ignored it for the most part, I am a very busy woman ya know! Anyway, by March my husband had been listening to me complain enough to tell me to see a doctor. I went last week or so. My vision is worse in one eye. The letters were moving even though the page was taped to the wall. I could not focus, but the doc said all I need is reading glasses. (I got pink ones with little hearts on them...so cute) Then he dialated my eyes and found glaucoma with 60% cupping. One eye worse than the other. I asked if that's why my eyes hurt. He said no. Glaucoma causes blindness WITH NO SYMPTOMS!!! I urge everyone to go for an eye exam. It's common and can be treated!!!! I have an appointment with an opthamologist Friday morning for the full exam. I will not go blind.

Also in June during training, my quads were feeling very fatigued. After 2 miles, I could barely run. My feet were (are) numb and tingly, shooting pains go from toes to knees. I was in training for that FCA Half marathon and refused to give in to these things. I missed a couple races. We did a trail run that I found to be very painful and also noticed during that trail run that I couldn't feel my foot placement. The pull back on my right leg started becoming weak by then and is still a major problem. I started needing recovery time from a mere 4 mile run. I figured I was over training. I basically ignored it.

I started falling. I even cut my toe pretty bad and never felt it. This is what made me call my doctor in February. (prompt attention, I know) I had been feeling dizzy, disconnected, confused, problems holding pens and writing. My hands and lower arms are numb and tingly now too. I was tired but unable to sleep. When I called my doc, his nurse told me to go to the ER. I asked if I could just come in and see him first, she refused. I was scared, but I didn't feel I needed to go to the hospital. So I called my kids' doctor's office and spoke with HIS nurse. She told the doctor why I was calling and he told me to come in at 8am the next day. I wasn't even his patient. I am now though.

Dr "R" examined me, poked my feet with a needle and then had me walk around. He asked a buncha questions and asked me if I knew what MS was. All I knew was Montel has it and is walking, Annette Funacello has it and is in a wheelchair. Oh!! And I also knew I wanted NOTHING to do with it personally. Dr "R" knows I run. We just looked at each other for a minute, I was shocked and scared, he was concerned. He told me I only felt half of the needle pokes. Numbness in both feet. He set me up with a nuerologist. I posted about him a while back. He did a sensory test, nerve conduction, EEG and an MRI of my spine. He said I have a lesion on the left front lobe in my brain, complex seizures, sensory malfuntions and nueropothy. Then he told me I couldn't run. When I cried, he asked me if I got paid to run and when I said no, he kinda shrugged his shoulders. Like "oh well". As I left that office, I stopped at the desk and canceled my next appointment. I have not been back, but I promised Dr "R" I would go if/when he tells me to. But I'm still mad. The nuerologist never did the MRI of my brain, only spine. Dr "R" found that to be odd, but says we will get one.

So since that appointment in Februray, things have been happening. The pain muscle fatigue and numbness comes and goes. No rhyme or reason. I had been running until about 10 days ago. I tried to run yesterday with Reg (my Canadian friend) but it took me 14 minutes to go one mile, and I had to stop midway. It felt like I had 20 lbs weights attached to my limbs. I was exhausted. Reg and I walked the 3 miles, he didn't leave me. I am still exhausted. Last week I was in bed for 3 days. I had to call out at 2 of my jobs because I just didn't have the energy to move. My left ear started hurting at that time too. Still kills. Dr "R" saw some fluid behind the eardrum and gave me some meds but it hasn't gone away.

The right side of my face went numb and twitched for about 5 hours a few weeks ago. That hasn't happened again. Every muscle in my body twitches, tightens and feels fatigued. I have a headache all the time. It hurts to sit, stand or lie down. My feet constantly go into a cramp. When I walk, I feel like I'm trudging through the snow with a wet blanket on me. I don't recognise people, I forget their names and I worry that people think I'm crazy. I feel crazy. At times, I wish I was crazy.

Yesterday at work, my supervisor asked me to add a person into a program. It did not work, so I tried it 50 times thinking I was screwing it up, afraid to tell her I couldn't do this simple task! After a half hour, I went and got her, telling her I couldn't do it. Trying not to cry. She knows everything and has been wonderful, helping me without ever saying a word. She tried to enter it and there was a glitch in the program! It wasn't me!!! I was so happy...lol.

I waitress 2 nights a week too. I cannot remember a simple drink order. I write down EVERYTHING and still get confused. My manager asked me if I was "for real" one night because I couldn't remember what came with a certain sandwich. I've worked there for over a year. I finally told him what's going on last Saturday. He is being very supportive. The people I work with are too.

So now I will see an MS Specialist up in Tampa. Dr "R" is getting everything together. He told me they'll probably want a PET scan. I looked up some info on diagnosing MS and have learned I'll probably be having a spinal tap too. I am so so so scared. I hate feeling like this. I'm tired of being tired. My family is so wonderful, I am lucky.

I'm going to take a break from running the rest of this week. I'll plan on a run Sunday. See how it goes. Dr "R" says to continue with exercising and running when I am able. It's very important. I don't enjoy yoga anymore. It's too painful and it upsets me when I'm unable to do most positions. I'll try it again next weekend though.

Well that's where I'm at now. I'm sorry this was a complaining post, but thank you for the opportunity to let it all out.

See you all soon.